My twin sister, Ellen, had a lot of life limiting illnesses throughout her life. That meant I always knew my time with her would eventually be cut short. I just didn’t expect everything to go so wrong, so quickly.

I didn’t know I could miss someone who was right in front of me

I spent the last month before she passed away watching her deteriorate. I never saw her smile or laugh again. I didn’t know I could miss someone who was right in front of me until I watched Ellen die.

I missed her mischief, her endless laughter that could be heard throughout the house. I missed her running around and causing chaos. I missed her unshakeable strength – she was my guidepost for what I should do in my own life, and once her illnesses got worse it felt like I now had to deal with everything alone.

I felt guilty for spending time away from my sister, like every second I wasn’t with her was wasted, but at the same time it was agony watching her slowly fade away and knowing there was nothing I could do.

How I coped and managed my feelings

What I didn’t realise at the time was that I wasn’t alone. There were so many people who cared, even if they didn’t necessarily understand my situation. I wish I’d known that I wouldn’t have burdened anyone by talking about everything I was struggling with, and that it would have actually made everything a little bit easier.

I started writing down everything I was experiencing and feeling, which helped a lot – it gave me an outlet and helped me make sense of my thoughts when everything felt so chaotic. I went on walks when everything felt too much, which helped me clear my head. Even though I felt guilty for doing it, I still spent time with my friends in sixth form – they knew what was going on and gave me the space to talk about it if I wanted to, but the rest of the time they took my mind off things.

Watching someone I love suffer was a terrifying and heartbreaking experience, especially when I felt so powerless to help – but I now know I was in the best position to be there for her by having as clear a mind as I could.

I’ve learned now that there is no shame in taking some time away to process everything that is happening, or to distract myself from it for a little while. And I’ve learned that I shouldn’t feel like I have to deal with everything by myself – bottling everything up, like I did, harms no one but me.

When someone is seriously ill or in hospital, that time can feel really overwhelming and you might be experiencing a range of emotions. Pre-bereavement support is available, so please do reach out on our on-demand services if you’d like to talk to someone.