The death of someone is mostly considered the primary loss, but it’s not the only loss you might experience when someone dies. Secondary losses include all the other factors and effects that death has had on your life; they are a completely normal part of grief and it’s important to recognise them to be able to start grieving them too.
Sometimes, to start a discussion about secondary losses, the Winston's Wish Support Team would use the example of a broken arm instead of a bereavement. That might sound odd, but it could help you to understand the idea of these losses in a clearer way. If you broke your arm, the main issue is that you’re in pain and have to wear a cast, but there may be secondary issues that also affect your situation. For example: it might feel more difficult to write; you may not be able to join in with sports; you might have trouble sleeping comfortably. These issues may cause lots of different emotions like feeling worried, frustrated, or envious.
Identifying secondary losses
Secondary losses might include lots of different parts of your life, for example: school, college, work, home, family, friends; your identity; how you spend your time; your hopes and dreams; how you feel about the world. All these things can be affected by grief. However, these secondary losses may occur at different times in your life and sometimes they might not impact you at all, but that doesn’t mean your grief is any less valid.
“One example of a secondary loss I experienced is that my dad used to take me to dance class every Saturday. He would drop me off and pick me up and now that he's gone, he can't take me anymore. I had quit dance classes before he died, but I will always remember our conversations in the car and how at the end of my dance lesson he used to watch me for a bit. Unfortunately, I never joined another dance class, but I still dance in my room to songs that remind me of him. I always thought of us having a good dance at my wedding someday and I will forever be sad about that. I like to think that on my actual wedding day he will still be dancing along, just not beside me.”
Grieving for secondary losses
Think about these different aspects of your life and if any have been affected by your grief at this moment in time. For example, if your parent used to take you to a swimming club every week, after they died there may not be anyone to take you and you might not be able to go anymore. If swimming was a big part of your life, this might feel like a further loss that has a real impact and adds to your grief. Or perhaps you had to move house, or schools, and in turn stopped being able to spend time with all your close friends. Identifying these losses can help to untangle the somewhat messy and confusing metaphorical ball of grief and organise your grief-y brain. By recognising secondary losses, you can find space and time to grieve for them. So, if you had to stop being part of your swimming club, that’s a significant loss and it’s okay to feel sad, angry, or any other emotion as a result.
Adapting to secondary losses
Let’s just quickly refer to the broken arm analogy from the start of this page. There are other issues that come about with having a broken arm and you would need to find ways to adapt and accept these issues. For example, it might feel difficult to write with a broken arm so maybe you are receiving help from a teaching assistant who you quite like spending time with, and it’s felt okay to adapt to this issue. Or maybe you can’t join in with sports with a broken arm, but this encouraged you to start a new hobby of singing in a choir, which you really enjoy!
With grief, there may be ways you can adapt and start to accept your secondary losses. If your parent used to take you to swimming, perhaps you could speak to the club and see if there’s anyone that lives locally that could take you, or you could try to find out if there’s another club you could join, or maybe you could speak to friends from your old swim club about other ways to spend time together. Sometimes there isn’t a way to fill the gap of a loss, and in these cases, acknowledging that you might need some help in finding ways to accept and adapt to your secondary losses is really important too. Speaking to someone about how you’re feeling and letting them help and understand you can make a big difference to the ways you can adjust to these losses.
If it helps to write things down, you could use the table below to write down your secondary losses and work towards identifying what they are, grieving for them, and adapting to how things are now.
“Personally, what helps me when I am struggling with my grief is watching videos of my dad or listening to music he liked. His music used to echo through the house, listening to it now brings me back to that feeling of safety and comfort that I had when he was here. It reminds me of how lucky I was to have him as my dad and how I carry him with me every day through my memories and interests.”
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