Grieving for someone who didn’t support your LGBTQIA+ identity
Understanding your feelings after the death of someone important to you who didn't know or support your authentic identity.
If someone close to you has died and they hadn’t accepted your identity or perhaps weren’t aware of your identity, navigating your grief may have added difficulties than if the relationship was in a positive place before they died.
When someone important to you dies, perhaps you notice how others around you are grieving, and at times, you may even compare your grieving process to others. Although this is normal, this may not be helpful. However, recognising your own feelings and acknowledging, “I feel angry things have ended the way they have”, is a valid experience.
Feeling isolated from others in your world who are also grieving the person who has died.
Guilty that there had been no communication before they had died, or if the last contact you had wasn’t pleasant or supportive.
Feeling as though others don’t recognise your grief as being as ‘big’ as theirs, perhaps if you hadn’t seen or spoken with the person for some time.
Judgement from others because there hadn’t been a rekindling of the relationship before they had died/could raise tensions in other relationships.
Angry (this often comes up in conversations with young people who are bereaved) that there had been a complexity in the relationship, which may be a recurring feeling.
Wishing you could have had the option to be more open with your important person about your identity.
A bereaved young person, “Alex”, whose Mum had died 9 years ago spoke about just some of their experiences with grief, Alex identifies as genderqueer/non-binary, if they were to consider a label at all.
Some time before their mum had died, their mum reacted negatively to Alex’s friendship group, where some friends had identified as lesbian. Because of this reaction, Alex felt unable to share their identity with family but also struggled to truly acknowledge themselves in their authentic identity.
Sadly, their mum had died without Alex feeling comfortable to have this conversation. Alex bravely describes feelings of sadness, occasional feelings of lack of acceptance and disappointment, which at times, leads to feelings of guilt. Alongside these experiences, Alex knows that their mum loved and adored them deeply and considers that she would have accepted them no matter what, but lives with the conflict of never having the opportunity to share.
Reflecting on your relationship with your person, the barriers you face(d) and how this influences your grief journey can be a helpful way of growing with your grief.
Below are some possible experiences, feelings, and ways of supporting yourself. You may relate to some, all, or none of them, and that’s okay.
Understanding your feelings after the death of someone important to you who didn't know or support your authentic identity.
Advice from our bereavement support team about navigating grief with a learning disability.
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