Freya, Youth Ambassador:
"In my personal experience with grief, secondary loss took form as individuals who we initially thought would be pillars of support, not doing so. I frequently think about the metaphor of the ‘grief train’. Once it leaves its first station, more and more people get on and rally round to support you, then as the journey continues the majority of people get off at the funeral, many who you didn’t expect, and those who stay on the train are those who still support you months and years later when the reality hits. When my dad died, I thought wholeheartedly that this would be a turning point for some relationships in my life, that people would step up to support me and my mom and try their best to fill the dad-shaped hole in my life.
Unfortunately, this wasn’t the case, instead, some family members and close friends got off at the funeral stop. This added another layer of grief, one I still grieve now. I grieve for those lost relationships or idealised versions of those relationships I once naively had.
The other side of secondary loss for me is the loss of security, the loss of our future together, the loss of our happy family structure and the loss of the years of my life that were untouched by this immeasurable loss. I grieve the little things, seeing him asleep on the sofa every afternoon, the way he would laugh at his own jokes before he could even tell them, and the way he would always tap his feet to music. I grieve the future I should have with him by my side, the wedding he will never be there for, the grandchildren he will never meet and the achievements I will never be able to tell him about.
Through these secondary losses, I try to stay positive and think about what I do have, and the relationships that have been strengthened by this loss, friends who have stepped up and supported me, and my mom. My grief has taught me the importance of appreciation and although many have walked out of our lives when we needed them most, many took a step closer to us and that is something I’m very thankful for.
Personally, what helps me when I am struggling with my grief is watching videos of my dad or listening to music he liked. His music used to echo through the house, listening to it now brings me back to that feeling of safety and comfort that I had when he was here. It reminds me of how lucky I was to have him as my dad and how I carry him with me every day through my memories and interests."