Grieving for someone who didn’t support your LGBTQIA+ identity
Understanding your feelings after the death of someone important to you who didn't know or support your authentic identity.
We all grieve differently, and there is no right or wrong way to grieve.
You may have a lot of big feelings, or you may not really feel anything yet. Sometimes it takes a long time for feelings to kick in. Don’t feel pressured to talk or express how you are feeling unless you want to and feel ready.
When you feel like you want to, talking is not the only way to work out and express how you are feeling. Music, drawing, making things, taking pictures, painting and dancing are all ways of processing what has happened and how you feel about it.
If you have questions, for example: how the person died, what is going to happen at the funeral, or how things will change, it is okay to ask. You have the right to ask as many times as you need, and to expect people to be honest and clear about what has happened.
Even if you knew someone was going to die, people often feel shocked for a long time after the death. This means your thoughts can be jumbled, everything can feel strange and distant, and you might not cry or feel anything at all. This is your brain’s way of helping you deal with very upsetting things, and the way you feel will change in time, but it can be confusing.
If you are also neurodivergent and part of your profile are stimming, ticcing, and OCD behaviours, these can get more intense after a bereavement. This is very common and usually calms down in time, but it is always good to speak to your GP or a health professional if you are worried or notice a big change.
It is normal to feel anxious about events that you need to attend after someone has died, for example: going to a funeral, scattering of the ashes, or family events with people you don’t know or haven’t seen for a while. Planning and being prepared usually helps. Try to remember that these events are usually challenging for everyone in different ways. Don’t be afraid to ask questions about what will happen, so you know what to expect. You have the right to ask for what you need, for example: knowing where you can go at the event if you feel overwhelmed and need some space, or to be with someone you trust and know will support you.
Seeing other people very upset because they are grieving or behaving differently is hard. People around you may have less patience, cry a lot, or find it difficult to do the things they normally do. It can be hard to know what to say, and sometimes it can feel very difficult to be around. If you are not sure what to say when someone is upset, letting people cry and giving them a tissue, or saying that you care about them can help. It is not your job to fix them, and it is not your fault that they are upset, even if you said something that made them start crying.
Special days that used to be happy may now feel really difficult. This might be your person’s birthday, your birthday, or a special occasion, and it’s okay if you miss them deeply. Some days might be especially hard for no reason, and that’s also okay. There may now be new days that can feel harder, such as the anniversary of their death. Visit our Grief Toolkit to find ways to remember your person. And on our Grief in Common podcast, you can hear from other young people about coping with anniversaries.
Your routine might change, and it can take a long time to get used to how things are without your important person. Some people find routines help, and although it can feel really difficult, try to keep doing the things you did before the person died, especially things that make you feel happy. Eating and sleeping at the same times every day can help a lot; if you are very tired or very hungry, your grief and feelings might feel harder to cope with.
After someone important has died, some people feel like hiding away and not seeing anyone, which can help for a while, but can become lonely. If you can, try and find a balance between having time to yourself and spending time with people who can support you.
It can be very helpful to make sure people at work, college, or school know that someone important in your life has died. They may be able to help you, and it can help to share how you are feeling with people you trust.
Be kind to yourself and seek out people who understand what you are going through is important. If you want to talk to someone, we’re here to listen.
If you need to talk, we’re here to listen. You can speak to the Winston’s Wish bereavement team using one of our confidential on-demand services. You can chat with us anonymously if you wish and share whatever you are feeling. Nothing about your grief is off limits. We promise to listen, not judge and can offer advice and guidance if needed. You can speak to us as little or as often as you want.
Click the blue 'chat with us' button at the bottom right of your screen between 8am-8pm, weekdays.
Call us for free on 08088 020 021 between 8am-8pm, weekdays.
For out of hours mental health support, you can use Shout's 24/7 messenger service by texting WW to 85258.
For urgent support, please call 999.
If you need to speak to us in a language other than English, we can use interpreters over the phone, and we can use the Relay UK app if you have hearing or speech difficulties.
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