Grieving for someone who didn’t support your LGBTQIA+ identity
Understanding your feelings after the death of someone important to you who didn't know or support your authentic identity.
When someone dies by suicide, children and adults may experience a number of complicated and often conflicting emotions that can feel difficult to manage. You may feel angry at the person who died at the same time as feelings protective and loving. You may feel sadness and pain as well as relief and guilt.
Our team talk through some of the common feelings you may experience following a death by suicide. However, it’s important to remember that everyone grieves in their own way and there is no right or wrong way to feel.
By its very nature, suicide is often untimely, unexpected and may be violent. Sometimes, a death through suicide comes out of a clear blue sky to those close to the person who has died by suicide. Even if someone has said they plan to take their own life or has attempted to do so before, the death will still come as a shock, and it can be a long time before you can believe it is really true.
Guilt and anger are common reactions in bereaved people, but tend to be felt more intensely and for longer by relatives and friends of people who have taken their own lives. Some people feel guilty that they are alive and their person has died, and even guilty that they couldn't do anything to prevent their death.
You may be angry for being hurt like this and being left behind to cope. You may find it impossible to ‘switch off’ the last conversation.
Some people may also feel some sense of relief, especially if there have been frequent suicide attempts or violence or if your family life has been dominated by one emotional crisis after another.
Family members often feel rejected by someone who has died by suicide. You may be left asking, ‘Why did they do this to me?’ ‘Did I fail them in any way?’ ‘What have I and the children done to deserve this?’ You may have devoted years to supporting a child or partner with depression and feel that all your loving care has been rejected.
Suicide is no longer a crime, but there is often still a stigma around it. The legal investigation and inquest can make families feel like they're on trial. You may feel that neighbours, work colleagues, or even other members of the family are questioning the death in a way they never would if the death had been through cancer or heart failure. Relatives may be desperate to understand what has happened, and they may even try to blame someone other than the person who died. However much you understand that nothing anyone says or doesn’t say, does or doesn’t do can cause someone to die by suicide, this can be a really difficult situation.
One of the particularly hard feelings is shame, because of the stigma around suicide, some young people can feel shame or even embarrassment. It's completely valid to feel however you feel.
Family and friends of someone who has died by suicide are often desperate to understand more about why it happened. For some people, the list of questions is endless, and the search for answers can become a big part of their lives. The list of questions is often led by ‘why?’…
Many people point to major changes in life, e.g., redundancy, family break-up, relationship difficulties, exams, financial difficulties, etc., to try to find answers. The person who died may not even have had clarity at the time of their death, so trying to guess 'reasons' for their suicide will not produce any answers.
This search for clues and the need to make sense of the answers is probably one of the biggest challenges to face. It may sound incredibly difficult right now, but learning to accept that there are things that will never be known might release some of the pressure you are putting on yourself to find out 'why'.
Attending a funeral or memorial service might feel really important to you, but it might also feel very daunting. If you feel able to, perhaps try to view the event as a way to say goodbye to them.
This can then become an opportunity to celebrate their life and achievements, and if possible, you can think of positive memories with them. Often, the funeral comes very quickly after the death, and it can be really hard to think of anything positive at the time. If this is the case, it may help to plan a memorial service with your family or friends at a later date, or you could even remember them in other ways privately and in your own time.
Sadly, a death by suicide means that you may not have the opportunity to grieve in private. As well as the funeral, families also have to face an inquest, which can be stressful and tiring. It's okay if you don't feel able to grieve immediately, there is no set timeline for grief and its emotions.
Death is still a difficult issue for many people to discuss, and a death by suicide is probably one of the hardest things to explain or talk about. You may bump into someone you haven’t seen for a long time and be asked how your person is, or a new teacher at your school might ask if your person will be coming to a school event.
It's okay if you don't know how to answer these questions, and it's okay if you don't tell the person asking you everything about your person's death. You can simply say, "Unfortunately, they died, and I don't really want to talk about it." And you do not have to answer any more questions if you don't want to.
If you would like to talk to someone from our team about how to manage your feelings, talk to other people about suicide, or maybe you have a question about grief, you can talk to us.
If you need to talk, we’re here to listen. You can speak to the Winston’s Wish bereavement team using one of our confidential on-demand services. You can chat with us anonymously if you wish and share whatever you are feeling. Nothing about your grief is off limits. We promise to listen, not judge and can offer advice and guidance if needed. You can speak to us as little or as often as you want.
Click the blue 'chat with us' button at the bottom right of your screen between 8am-8pm, weekdays.
Call us for free on 08088 020 021 between 8am-8pm, weekdays.
For out of hours mental health support, you can use Shout's 24/7 messenger service by texting WW to 85258.
For urgent support, please call 999.
If you need to speak to us in a language other than English, we can use interpreters over the phone, and we can use the Relay UK app if you have hearing or speech difficulties.
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