Dom: Grief and memory
Dom, Volunteer and former Youth Team member, shares a reflection on grief over time as a 27 year old.
It’s funny how quickly you can accumulate a unique dialect. I went travelling around Vietnam with two of my best friends last year. It was great, it felt a little like a dream. It hit me that it was two weeks of very specific in-jokes, references and nuance that marked those weeks out from the years before. It was the same when we’ve been away before.
But how much remains? I can’t say for sure what Jack said or did that made me laugh from those trips before, or why. A couple gags seep through to the everyday, but far more never leave the departure lounge. The trouble with human memory is that it is an activity itself, and not everything survives.
There have been plenty in 11 years. But before that, there are 15 years of love that I need to keep alive, too.
Do you remember the person you were 11 years ago? Or; do you just remember the things you did?
You remember being convinced that the reason you cried at your reflection was because of your own faults. You’d watched dual illnesses strip away all that she loved for years. But afterwards, you thought you were causing yourself pain. Each of you held a field of magnetic repulsion around you, not wanting to let it get too close.
The trouble with trauma is that it can be difficult to forget. It’s easy to let that activity creep into your whole life. I don’t think there’s an easy fix on that side. It needs to be worked through. But over time you build a life around it. For me, it dominated my recollections of that time. Fear and loss blanket much of my teenage years. What still jolts me though, is that there was still so much good in there. I need to keep that alive.
And it is in there. I’m 27 now, I’m actually a man. I remember struggling to picture who I would be at the age I am now, I didn’t know how I would manage. It’s the good stuff that can be easy to forget is still there, that keeps you through. I’m lucky now to have each of my siblings nearby, both building their own lives around it. I know Mum would be so happy for us. That’s a sentiment that people often say out of sympathy - but it really is true. I think the best way I can remember Mum is by living as open and carefree as I can.
She also took a lot of strength from her Faith - right through her life - but my overriding memory is her humour. She could find something cheeky to laugh about anywhere. I’m not going to forget to do that.
In the spring, the family were all under the same roof. It was different this time, we had a new member to welcome - my cousin’s newly born daughter. There is always a lot of love in the room when we are all together and it is the time I feel closest to Mum. We always talk about her. I hear how Mum has been in their thoughts too and how she has shaped bits of who they are now. I can see in everyone's eyes how much emotion and how many memories are still there, finding new ways out.
Maybe this is grieving, but it’s good grief.
Grief is complex, it’s complicated and it’s messy. Whilst everyone grieves differently there are some common threads and themes it can be helpful to know. Our live talks are free, online information sessions led by a bereavement support worker. They cover the impact of grief, common feelings and ways to cope. We run talks for grieving young people aged 16-25 years old and for parents, carers and other family members supporting grieving children and young people.
See live talksAs a children’s organisation, safeguarding children and young people is at the heart of everything that we do. This means that we ask all volunteers to go through the following selection and safer recruitment process before they can start volunteering. There is a different process for those joining the Youth Team.
Complete the online volunteer application form relevant to the role you're interested in.
Once we have received your application form, we will invite you to meet us (either face-to-face or via Zoom). This is so that we can find out more about you, and you can ask us any questions you have about volunteering.
If we are happy with your references, you will be asked to apply for a DBS check. We will guide you through this process.
If we are happy with your references, you will be asked to apply for a DBS check. We will guide you through this process.
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