How to cope when your parent starts a new relationship after another parent dies
When you're bereaved, adjusting to changes and new relationships can take a long time. Hear from other young people and find ways to manage your feelings.
When one parent dies, there may come a time when another parent starts a new relationship. This can be hard, and it is totally normal to feel a whole range of emotions, even if your parents weren’t together when the one died.
Adjusting to changes and particularly new relationships can take a long time, but it’s important to know that you’re not expected to feel comfortable straight away. Give yourself time to adjust and try to avoid rushing into anything and acting on your immediate emotions.
Just because your parent has started a new relationship or is now dating, doesn’t mean they aren’t grieving anymore. Everyone manages their grief in different ways. If your parents were together when one of them died, the other parent may be feeling lonely and looking for companionship and another adult to spend time with.
Even if you don't particularly like the new relationship, it's good to respect your parent and their decisions. Try to be understanding and look at the positives that the new relationship can bring for them. It's okay for your parent to find happiness in meeting another person.
It’s important to talk to your parent about how you are feeling. They don’t know what you are thinking in your head until you tell them. They will most likely understand where you are coming from once you have spoken to them. There is no ‘correct’ way to talk about it, and you need to be respectful of their feelings.
It might be difficult for you to start the conversation, but remember, they’re still your parent and you should be able to talk to them in the same way you did before the new relationship started. Having an open and honest conversation about how you’re feeling can help keep you moving on your journey together.
The new partner will not replace your parent who has died. No one will ever replace that person, and it’s important to recognise that. If you feel comfortable, try to get to know the new partner a little bit. You may find you have a common interest to casually chat about, or you may find out that you’re very different people, and that’s okay. Try to be kind and respectful to them because they might also be feeling a little bit strange and concerned about meeting you.
This new relationship may take time for you to accept, but it’s important to make an effort and try not to dismiss the person straight away. There is no guidebook as to how this will all unfold, and each person will deal with the situation in their own individual way. Your unique life circumstances may mean that you find this more difficult or easier than you expected.
If talking feels too much right now, you might find it helpful to explore new ways to express your emotions. Here are a few ideas:
Write - jot your feelings down, this not only helps by getting them out of your head, but you can make them into a poem, song or a story. You can also write an unsent letter to the person who died if that feels comfortable for you.
Draw - like with the above, get the pens, pencils, or paint brushes out and express your feelings through art, illustrations or even doodles.
Activities - take part in activities you enjoy. For example, go for a walk, play games or sports, do puzzles or create something.
Find ways to manage anxious thoughts and feelings here, for example, breathing techniques like the '5, 4, 3, 2, 1 technique'.
Scream - the good old screaming into a pillow method is a quick way to release your emotions.
Hear from two other Youth Ambassadors, Maya and Toby, in this episode of Grief in Common: Death, dating, and stepparents | S2 04
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