Ben: Redefinition of what it is to be a son
Youth Ambassador Ben shares his reflection on being a son when you are bereaved of a parent.
When somebody important to you dies and you have no memories of them, it may feel complicated and difficult to know how to feel connected to them, especially as you get older. You may have no memories of your person or be unsure if the memories you have are your own or ones that have been told to you by other people.
Even if you feel you don’t have any memories of your person, the grief can be just as consuming and finding ways to connect to the person and build a sure sense and understanding of who your person was can be really helpful. Even a young baby can sense when a carer is no longer around, so your grief is just as valid as someone who spent years getting to know their person.
Combining what you already know about your person’s life with talking to other people who knew them, and imaging how they might be now can all be really helpful exercises and below are some simple guides to get you started:
Physical appearance. Are there any photos of your person? What did they look like then? What clothes did they wear? What did their hair look like? What colour eyes did they have?
Hobbies and interests. What hobbies and interests did they have? Were they part of any clubs? Did they watch any TV shows or have a favourite film?
Personality. Using memories from other people, find out about what they were like. Do you have any similarities or differences to them? Were they funny and told lots of jokes? Were they strict or silly... or both?
Future events. Are there things you wish they could do with the person who died? How could you include them in a special day you have coming up?
It’s a good idea to write these ideas down, perhaps in a special book. That way you can return to it many times and add more if you think of something or learn something new about your person.
Creating a quiz about your person who died can be a great way to explore other people's memories. You can interview family, friends, and colleagues who knew them and use these stories to add new pieces of information to your book about them. There are some example questions here for you to use, but these could be any questions you like. Is there anything you’ve always wondered and wanted to know about your person? Who might know the answer?
What was their favourite colour? Favourite food? Which football team did they support? What was their job? Did they have any hobbies?
Might anyone have old videos of your person as a child or as a grown-up? Seeing the way they move around and hearing their voice can be a very powerful way of connecting to your person. If this is possible, do you share any mannerisms?
Taking the time to plot your person's life along a timeline can help you get a better sense of who they were and what their life was like. Moments like their birthday, graduating from school, their wedding day, their first job, your birthday(!), etc. You may have heard about all these moments in passing, but seeing them in order can help you feel like you really understand your person and their life, and how yours is interwoven into theirs.
As you start to gather more information and memories of your person, it can be a useful outlet to write about them in a poem or a song or even to them in a letter. Even though they won’t be physically able to read the letter, it can be a surprisingly helpful exercise to write to them as if they would read it. You might be surprised by how much you want to tell them or which bits you feel are really important that they know. You can do this as many times as you like, or perhaps when something important and special has happened or if something difficult that you are struggling with is going on.
You may like to do something specific on special days such as birthdays and anniversaries of your person. These can start to become traditions that help you feel connected to your person year on year. It could be lighting a candle or going to a place they loved, and maybe making their favourite cake on their birthday and lighting the candle on it. You may want to visit the place of their grave or ashes. Or perhaps it’s going to a football match of their favourite team, eating at their favourite restaurant or ordering their favourite food. It can be anything you choose that makes you feel closer to your important person.
It’s never too late to make a memory box for your person who has died. You may have some precious items that feel important, like letters, belongings or photographs. There’s no right or wrong thing to put in the box, but it can help to have all your special things in one place so that when you feel like thinking about your person, having a moment of reflection, or telling someone about your person, all your special things will be ready in one place. Perhaps you could add any letters you write to your person inside the box, too.
There are dedicated memory boxes available from our online shop, or you can use any box you already have at home.
Grief is complex, it’s complicated and it’s messy. Whilst everyone grieves differently there are some common threads and themes it can be helpful to know. Our live talks are free, online information sessions led by a bereavement support worker. They cover the impact of grief, common feelings and ways to cope. We run talks for grieving young people aged 16-25 years old and for parents, carers and other family members supporting grieving children and young people.
See live talksIf you need to talk, we’re here to listen. Our bereavement specialists are available to speak with right away. No appointments or waiting lists, just real-life support. You can chat with us anonymously if you wish and share whatever you are feeling. Nothing about your grief is off limits. We promise to listen, not judge and can offer advice and guidance if needed. You can speak to us as little or as often as you want. Start a conversation now. You can speak with us between 8am and 8pm, Monday to Friday (except bank holidays). You must be 13 or older to receive support via text or WhatsApp.
Click the blue 'chat with us' button at the bottom right of your screen between 8am-8pm, Monday to Friday.
Call us for free on 08088 020 021 between 8am-8pm, Monday to Friday.
Text or WhatsApp us on 07418 341 800 (open 3pm-8pm, Monday to Friday).
For urgent support, please call 999.
If you need to speak to us in a language other than English, we can use interpreters over the phone, and we can use the Relay UK app if you have hearing or speech difficulties.
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