How to cope after a friend or another student from your school has died
When a student dies from your school, it can bring up lots of big feelings, not just for the students who were close to them but also for those who did not know them.
There is no hierarchy with grief, and it is important that you allow yourself to feel however you do, regardless of how well you knew them.
This news may have been expected or unexpected. Sometimes this happens due to a tragic incident or accident that reaches the media. This can feel overwhelming and out of control.
Your school will take the lead on helping the community to grieve, find ways to help each other cope, and ways to remember. Friends and family can be there to help too, especially when things are feeling tough. If you want to talk to someone else, Winston’s Wish are here to support you and talk about your grief.
School holidays and weekends can be times that feel odd or more difficult. The routine that school brings is not there and having free time might make you feel lots of emotions. Grief doesn’t take time off over school holidays or at the weekend. Coping without the school community can feel different and you may feel lonely.
Here are some tips for managing your feelings:
Talk to someone. Try sharing how you are feeling with friends, family, or Winston’s Wish. Finding someone you trust when school staff are not around can be important.
It’s okay to say no. Give yourself permission to say no if you are not feeling okay or having a rubbish day. This can help with being kind to yourself and not piling pressure on for things you ‘should’ be doing.
Do things you enjoy. It is okay to still have fun, laugh, and enjoy stuff. This can help to give you a break from the big feelings.
Create a routine. This does not need to look like a school timetable, however having lots of unplanned time might make you feel uneasy. Try to have a mix of planned time and freedom, and make sure you’re getting enough sleep, eating regularly, and meeting your other basic needs.
Returning to school after the summer break can bring up mixed emotions because things might have changed whether you are grieving or not. These changes might include getting to know new teachers, moving into a new school year, or even starting at a different school. You may be aware that the atmosphere at school feels different after the student died.
You may feel worried about friends, what to say to others, what people might say to you, and how to get people to understand what this is like for you. It is important to know who you can go to, when you can see them, and where you will find them. Speak to your school or a trusted teacher to find out who might be able to help you if you need someone to talk to about your grief.
You may find it hard to concentrate in lessons and notice your thoughts drift off or you struggle to focus. This is normal and may affect your schoolwork, which is another reason why it’s important to let your school or trusted teacher know how you feel about the death of the student.
Teachers and other school staff are human beings as well as professionals. They can listen if you want to talk, hopefully someone will notice if you’re struggling but you may have to ask for help. Grief affects everyone differently and what you are experiencing could be different to someone else. If you are able to share how you’re feeling with your school, they will be able to understand what support you may need.
You might need to be the person who starts the conversation, and you may feel unsure about what to say. What might feel obvious to you may not be to others. Keep it simple and think about what you want them to know.
You could start by saying something like:
When a student dies, it is not just the people who were close to them that are impacted. You may not have known them but still be affected by their death. If they were well known in the school, you may feel like you did know them, you might have heard lots about them from others, felt inspired by them, or you may not know much about them at all. After their death, you might feel shocked, numb, sad, angry, guilty, worried or overwhelmed. It is okay and completely normal to grieve for a student you did not know. Your previous grief and feelings can also come back again when someone else dies, even if you did not know them well.
You might have found out in a difficult way too. It might be that details have been shared in the media (locally and nationally), you may hear stories where the facts have been altered, and it may be difficult to get a break from hearing and reading about what happened. Taking time out from social media and other media sources can help to give you space. It doesn’t mean you care any less if you need to take a break from looking at these things.
It is totally valid to have difficult emotions even though you did not know the student who died or did not have a close friendship with them. There can be many reasons why you feel affected by what has happened, especially if it has also impacted your local community or has been in the news.
It can be difficult and confusing to work out why you are feeling the way you do. You may be seeing other people experience grief and find this hard to cope with. Bereavement can also make you think more about your own life and the people in it, which can cause you to worry more about the people around you.
It might not be obvious to the people around you that you are not okay. When you feel ready to share, it may be helpful to talk to them so they can try to understand what this is like for you. Try not to judge your grief as less important than others. Remember, your feelings matter just as much as someone else’s.
If you need to talk, we’re here to listen. You can speak to the Winston’s Wish bereavement team using one of our confidential on-demand services. You can chat with us anonymously if you wish and share whatever you are feeling. Nothing about your grief is off limits. We promise to listen, not judge and can offer advice and guidance if needed. You can speak to us as little or as often as you want.
Click the blue 'chat with us' button at the bottom right of your screen between 8am-8pm, weekdays.
Call us for free on 08088 020 021 between 8am-8pm, weekdays.
For out of hours mental health support, you can use Shout's 24/7 messenger service by texting WW to 85258.
For urgent support, please call 999.
If you need to speak to us in a language other than English, we can use interpreters over the phone, and we can use the Relay UK app if you have hearing or speech difficulties.
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