Guilt is a very normal part of grief for lots of people and there are lots of reasons why you might feel guilty.
Some people might feel guilty for not seeing the person more before they died, they could even feel guilty about something that happened a long time ago like an argument or disagreement. Grief is unique for everyone and there’s no guide to how you will feel at any given time, but feeling guilty isn’t uncommon and is completely okay.
Feeling guilty is extremely common for grieving people, including people who knew their person was going to die. For example, if they were seriously ill or involved in an accident and remained in hospital for a while before they died. Watching someone you love dying can be incredibly difficult and painful. It’s normal to feel a whole range of different emotions and feelings, and to have lots of different thoughts, even conflicting ones. Emotions can come and go very quickly and often exist all at once or not at all… However you’re feeling is normal.
You may feel that you have lost part of the person who is dying already, as they no longer seem like themselves as their illness gets worse, and they are in such pain. There might be practical things about living with someone who is terminally ill that are difficult and frustrating, and sometimes you might feel overwhelmed and resentful about the caring responsibilities.
“My twin sister, Ellen, had a lot of life limiting illnesses throughout her life. That meant I always knew my time with her would eventually be cut short. I just didn’t expect everything to go so wrong, so quickly. I spent the last month before she passed away watching her deteriorate. I never saw her smile or laugh again. I didn’t know I could miss someone who was right in front of me until I watched Ellen die. I missed her mischief, her endless laughter that could be heard throughout the house.”
Sometimes young people tell us that they hope their loved one will die soon so they will no longer be in such pain. Grief can also include feelings of relief, or some parts of life can feel easier after the person has died. You may wonder are you a ‘bad’ person to be thinking this way, or that you are not grieving ‘correctly’.
All are normal thoughts given the incredibly tough situation you’ve been through. It’s important to remember that our thoughts are separate from our actions. You cannot help our thoughts and feelings, especially when you are under pressure, and thinking something isn’t the same as acting on it.
Guilt is a really common grief response both before and after someone has died. If you have cared for and lived with someone with a terminal illness, you have been through an incredibly tough time. You are likely to have had all sorts of complicated feelings, thoughts and wishes that have passed through your mind. One of the best things you can do now is to be kind and compassionate to yourself and find someone who you trust to talk it through with.
We can’t tell you what you should feel, and neither should we. All we can say is that feeling this way, and asking yourself these kind of questions is totally normal and we don’t think that you are a ‘bad’ person for having those thoughts or grief responses, just a person in an incredibly difficult situation; one that you didn’t choose and have little to no control over.
If you’re feeling guilty in your grief or would like to talk through anything related to your bereavement, we’re here to listen.
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