You won’t go back to your old self
This one sounds obvious but it’s essential to acknowledge that something really big and really important has happened to you. While grieving you’ll learn new skills and things about yourself. Also, you have experienced something challenging and maybe different to your friends. We talk about finding a new normal and this is the same with who you are. You’ll find a ‘new normal’ you. It might be more confident, or anxious or inquisitive or anything else. But one thing is for sure, you won’t be the same as you were before.
You can still experience grief even if you didn’t like or had a strained relationship with the person who has died
We meet with many children, young people and adults who had strained relationships with the person who has died. It may feel like a relief that they’ve died and this can, in turn, make things feel a bit more complicated. Also, you may have wanted to repair the relationship or regret having said or done something. Most importantly though is that your grief is completely valid and legitimate.
Telling people about yourself can need a bit of thought
“So how many brothers and sisters do you have?” “How often do you see your dad?” “How many children do you have?”
These are really normal questions to ask when trying to be polite. These innocuous questions for someone for whom someone important has died can be so complicated. Do you say you say I have two sisters and risk they’ll ask more and you’ll have to explain one has died? Do you say one and feel like you’re pretending they don’t exist? There’s no right or wrong answer to how you respond, but it does take some forethought.
It’s impossible to replace someone who has died
When someone important to you dies it isn’t like when your favourite mug breaks and you just get a new one. Nothing will ever replace the person who has died. You might get a new stepparent or new sibling but they will never be the important person who has died. It is also important to realise that remembering the person who has died doesn’t belittle or dismiss the new people in your life, but honors who they were and acknowledges how important they are to you.
Grief can be a physical pain
We understand that the death of someone important causes emotional distress but it’s not always known that grief can cause physical distress too. The young people we work with tell us that they sometimes have general aches and pains, sickness or digestive problems. Grief affects your whole body, emotionally and physically.
Well-meaning people can say ridiculous things
People say the stupidest things when they’re nervous. Even though people dying happens every day, as a society we aren’t very good at talking about or acknowledging death. In other cultures, rituals around death help this but in Britain, we don’t really have any but we try. And that needs to be given credit for.