Grieving for someone who didn’t support your LGBTQIA+ identity
Understanding your feelings after the death of someone important to you who didn't know or support your authentic identity.
‘Time is a healer of all wounds,’ ‘things will feel easier soon, you just need some time’- are these things that people have said to you about your grief?
Whilst these comments come from a good place, when you’re grieving, words like this don’t tend to feel particularly helpful. When someone first dies, you might feel completely consumed by grief, and it can feel impossible to imagine things ever feeling any different. Whilst it never goes away, grief does start to feel different over time.
There’s a theory put together by grief counsellor, Dr Lois Tonkin: as you get older, your grief stays where it is, but as you continue to experience more and more things, your life grows around your grief, making it seem less visible over time. Some people describe it like a fried egg... Sounds ridiculous, but just imagine that when you first lose someone close to you, your grief is like the bright yolk of an egg when you first crack it into a frying pan. It’s all you can see, but over time, as it cooks, the white starts to show... You can only see the white or the other aspects of your life as the rest of your life slowly moves forward. Your grief, the yolk, is still there, but it’s no longer the only thing you can see.
You could also think about it like a bunch of flowers - this could be something that might feel helpful to draw out for yourself. When you’re first experiencing grief, you might find that all you have are unwelcome, spiky, not-at-all-pretty weeds. They feel painful to hold and might feel like they’re growing at a very quick rate. After some time passes, you might feel able to start seeing friends again and maybe go back to playing a sport you love. Perhaps you go on holiday, learn a new skill, and one day you go to college, university, or get a job. You could add a flower to your bunch for every one of these new experiences, and even more for every new person and relationship that comes into your life. And it’s not just the big things that fill your life and help to cushion your grief; the small moments of joy and moments of peace are just as important to mark, so if you’re doodling this somewhere, make sure you include them too. One day, you’ll reflect on your bunch of flowers and find that even though it’s still at the centre, your spiky grief weeds are less dominant.
There may still be days or moments when the spikes of your grief weeds poke through, and they feel very dominant and visible again. This might happen when you’re kind of expecting it, like anniversaries, birthdays or other days that your loved one was a big part of. It could be days that you always imagined your special person would be there for, like when you pass your driving test, get a job, or win an award. It could be when big changes happen that shift how you see the world, like if you have children, or if you experience other losses. Or maybe it’s just one of those days that you go to send a message to the person you’ve lost because something really great or really rubbish has happened, and suddenly, you’re taken back to that early feeling of them no longer being there.
As humans, we crave predictability; taking great comfort from being able to anticipate what things will be like in the future, and it can feel really unsettling not to know what your grief will look like as you get older. It might feel helpful to remember that just as your grief will change in ways that you can’t really expect, so too will your ways of coping. As you move through life with your not-always-welcome companion of grief, you’ll get to know it and find ways to tame it or to sit more comfortably with it. You’ll become familiar with when you need to reach out for support, and when you need to just melt into a little puddle of grief for a while. You’ll also learn what helps to pull yourself back up again. Others will help too; chances are you’ll one day notice that you’ve found a community of other grieving people, whether that be friends that have lost someone, or people online that you’ve met in the comments section of a grief page online.
Connecting with or following others with a shared experience of loss can be a great comfort, giving you more helpful companions to walk alongside you on your journey with your grief. No matter how your bunch of flowers is looking, whether that prickly little grief weed is taking a turn in the sun, or your moments of joy are in full bloom, please know that you’re never alone, and we're here to listen when you're ready to talk.
If you need to talk, we’re here to listen. You can speak to the Winston’s Wish bereavement team using one of our confidential on-demand services. You can chat with us anonymously if you wish and share whatever you are feeling. Nothing about your grief is off limits. We promise to listen, not judge and can offer advice and guidance if needed. You can speak to us as little or as often as you want.
Click the blue 'chat with us' button at the bottom right of your screen between 8am-8pm, weekdays.
Call us for free on 08088 020 021 between 8am-8pm, weekdays.
For out of hours mental health support, you can use Shout's 24/7 messenger service by texting WW to 85258.
For urgent support, please call 999.
If you need to speak to us in a language other than English, we can use interpreters over the phone, and we can use the Relay UK app if you have hearing or speech difficulties.
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