How to manage unexpected grief triggers and reactions
Our bereavement support team share ways to cope when feelings about your grief come up unexpectedly.
A grief trigger is something – a situation, person, place or thing - that gives you a sudden or intense emotion. It can come out of the blue and might take you by surprise, or might make you feel emotional and unable to manage or deal with your feelings, which can lead to you acting or reacting in a way that’s unlike you.
A trigger sometimes makes sense – you might hear in the news that someone well-known has died or realise it’s an important day for you or your person who died, like their birthday. But sometimes it might seem completely unrelated to your own grief, and you feel triggered anyway. Whatever it is, it can hit hard, so here are our tips to manage unexpected triggers.
Breathe. It sounds simple, but it’s hard to manage the surprise of an unexpected trigger, let alone the grief too, so taking a few seconds to breathe deeply and focus on your breathing may help you to feel better equipped to take the next step. Here’s a simple breathing exercise you could try.
If you’re somewhere comfortable or around people you trust, allow yourself to feel your emotions and be kind to yourself. Think to yourself, ‘It’s okay that I’m feeling this way, I’ve been through a lot.’ And know that whatever you are feeling is temporary. It’s normal to feel a range of emotions on their own or all at once, and that can be really tough, especially when they appear unexpectedly. You’re doing great, and you will be okay.
If you’re in a place or around people you don’t feel comfortable opening up about your grief with – maybe in class, at work, or in public - you may prefer to step away for a while to breathe and recuperate from the intense feeling(s). Ask your manager or teacher for a break and find something that distracts you from the intense thoughts or feelings you’re having. Put your headphones on and listen to a song you like, have a drink of ice cold water, or maybe try calling a friend. Mindfulness and grounding techniques are great to remember for times like these, try writing things down that help you in your notes app so they’re ready to use if things get too much.
Later in the day, at night, or when you’re feeling calmer, it can help to think about your experience of being triggered. Noticing what feeling(s) came up for you and what might have triggered those feelings may help you prepare yourself if it happens again. Understanding what the trigger was can also reduce the effect it has on you in the future. For example, if your person’s favourite film is on and you learn that this is a trigger for you, you might decide not to watch it again or only watch it when you want to remember them, perhaps on a special occasion. Journalling or writing poetry may also help you get any confusing or incomplete thoughts out of your brain, which can help to relieve overwhelming emotions or repetitive thoughts. Or it might help to talk it through with someone you trust or someone from our team at Winston’s Wish.
Consider creating your own version of a Grief Toolkit so you have some things to turn to if things get tough that help you in other situations. What helps will be personal to you - one person’s calming bubble bath is another’s heavy metal music playlist! If you’re triggered, or think a trigger may come, what’s in your grief toolkit that can help? Websites like Does the Dog Die can help to prepare you by warning you of potential triggers in films, TV, books, videos, or games.
Need some support with stages 1, 2, 3, 4, or all 5? We’re here to listen. You can speak to the Winston’s Wish bereavement team using one of our confidential immediate support services. You can chat with us anonymously if you wish and share whatever you are feeling. Nothing about your grief is off limits. We promise to listen, not judge, and can offer advice and guidance if needed. You can speak to us as little or as often as you want.
Your experiences as a bereaved young person can help give hope to others who are struggling with the death of someone important. We’re proud to have a dynamic youth team who help us to raise awareness, challenge the myths about grief, share their stories and help to shape the future of youth bereavement services in the UK. Want in?
Join todayIf you need to talk, we’re here to listen. You can speak to the Winston’s Wish bereavement team using one of our confidential on-demand services. You can chat with us anonymously if you wish and share whatever you are feeling. Nothing about your grief is off limits. We promise to listen, not judge and can offer advice and guidance if needed. You can speak to us as little or as often as you want.
Click the blue 'chat with us' button at the bottom right of your screen between 8am-8pm, weekdays.
Call us for free on 08088 020 021 between 8am-8pm, weekdays.
For out of hours mental health support, you can use Shout's 24/7 messenger service by texting WW to 85258.
For urgent support, please call 999.
If you need to speak to us in a language other than English, we can use interpreters over the phone, and we can use the Relay UK app if you have hearing or speech difficulties.
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