How young people talk about death and dying: Youth Team
Our Youth Team share their thoughts on the way they talk about death and dying as bereaved young people.
“From experience, I think what would really help grieving people is people not feeling awkward around death. I feel that allowing someone to talk about that person or thing that they are grieving can really help, or even going through memories with others. It’s quite common for friends to feel bad or like they may make you sad if they talk about death but sometimes it truly helps a grieving person. Personally, I enjoy talking about my person, their passing and memories we have, it makes me feel connected and it opens doors to others.”
“For me, talking about death and dying has been a huge part of my story. My dad died of pancreatic cancer when I was 8 years old. Even though I didn't really know what was happening, I knew he was very poorly. 17 years on, I think it is so important to engage in these tricky and sometimes uncomfortable conversations. Being open and talking about death and dying helps to remove the 'taboo aspect' and encourage honest and real conversations about things people experience every day. The one thing we know we can never avoid is death, so why don't we talk about it more? That's why I make it my mission to tell people about my dad and his story.
I don't remember much when finding out that my dad had died. What I do remember is that my mum has always been clear and kind when telling me. She never hid her emotions, but she was still strong and dependable. Being told about death is never easy to hear, so I can't imagine how hard it is to be the one to speak it. Every time I have had a family member die, I've always known what was going to come out of my mum's lips. That she was going to tell me something horrible. It's not so much the words I remember but the feeling that rests in my muscle memory. It hurts, it was raw and changed my life. However, I am so grateful it was my mum holding me and using the right words. The ones she got from our support.
Everyone talks about death and dying in their own way. Personally, I try to avoid 'lost' and 'passed away' and use the terms died, death and dying. I openly offer the information and find that talking about his death helps to break down those barriers and increase the conversation. One thing I wish people wouldn't say is 'I'm sorry'. It's no one's fault that my dad died, so why apologise? I like to know people's stories, and for me, them being raw with me is an honour. Talking about death and dying helps with keeping my dad's memory alive.”
"I would say, being conscious of what you say around people when you don't know their story. My mum took her own life and I often hear people talking about suicide in a way that portrays the deceased as the bad person in the situation, which can be very hard when that is your loved one. Phrases like 'committed suicide' are also very outdated but still used a lot. It's no longer a crime and hasn't been for a long time, yet people still use this phrase, which is really hard every time you hear it. Ultimately, different ways of dying should be treated with the same level of respect with no judgment for the person who has passed.”
"When death enters conversation, it is never from a casual basis, but then again how could it be. To be reminded of our morality in such frank terms, that we are not permanent beings but instead those who are limited to a certain time frame. Or instead that of others, that the seemingly concrete pillars within our lives are in fact those that shall some day collapse before us. Death's place within conversation gives rise to such notions, ones we reward with a degree of horror that they should occur so undeniably.
It is in response to such feelings that death so often finds its place within conversation denied, uprooted from its place as a topic of conversation and discussed via a different terminology. We so often make jokes about our mortality to avoid its bare reality. We soften its blow with terms such as “loss” or “passed away” as though to state the name death would somehow conjure its immediate presence. Yet it is these methodologies by which we deny the subject of death from within the wider confines of our lives. That by ensuring the name of death remains silent, it should not occur, but remain an outstanding possibility we should never have to face.
However the issue that occurs in light of this sentiment is that these attempts to deny our deaths are fruitless, and thereby offer little method of preparation for that eventual subject we must face. To live a life in light of this denial is to live a lie. To deny that a central pillar that governs our experience of everyday life does not exist is to undermine the foundations of our being. When such denial finds its expression within conversations about death and dying, we recognise how deeply entrenched we are within this denial. That our fears of mortality operate to such an extent that even mentioning death taps upon the subject we must forcibly deny rather than accept.
This is not to say that discussing our deaths is hopeless, of course we know that we shall one find ourselves facing our eventual demise, and for the vast majority of humans it is the deaths of others that shall be the subject of much tragedy within our lives. The issue we face is the acceptance of that mortality, and rather than its expression within language being one of denial, the task remains to invert that structure to be one in which death can be discussed in open and authentic terms, rather than those which seek to soften its blow.
There are countless examples of such cases, expressed cases such as that of a ‘death cafe’ in which specific spaces are crafted to discuss death in an authentic manner. Or within such cases as the literary and poetic, in which death finds a linguistic basis for discussion. These examples present cases in which that death denying structure has been overturned and as such begins to repair that broken relationship with our mortality. While they do not efface the terror that death holds, or the tragedy that death so often espouses, discussing death via an honest terminology allows us to gain a foothold in an authentic relationship with mortality."
"Uh oh where have they gone?!
I’m Eleanor, and when I was 19, my mum died of Breast Cancer. For this Dying Matters Week, I want to encourage every individual to reflect on the way in which they talk about death and dying. Since my mum died, I’ve naturally had to tell a range of people about her death, across my personal and professional life. I’ve repeatedly been told that the choice to use the word ‘died’ is too harsh, too abrupt, too much. That I should use a softer word like passed away, that we lost her. As a young person who has experienced a loss of such gravity, this infuriates me when someone says, "oh no you’ve lost your mum!" Me and my family like to joke how careless it is to have lost her, maybe she’s in the same place as we’ve put our keys!
I strongly believe that I should not and I will not change my vocabulary to make others feel less awkward, less uncomfortable in a society that shies away from death. Additionally, whilst my Mum was alive, she repeatedly expressed her anger towards a cancer diagnosis being referred to as a battle to be won or lost, a terminal illness is not something to be won. It can be learnt to live with and continue living an extraordinary life, in the way in which my mum so inspirationally did, referring to it and any other terminal illnesses, as a battle, a fight indicates choice over the outcome. There is no choice.
For this Dying Matters Week, I urge you to reflect on your own past experiences of individuals in your life opening up about experiences of grief. How did you react? How could you do better? If you feel uncomfortable discussing death and grief, push through these feelings and empathise with the person who is experiencing grief- ask them how you can support them, what they need? I think we live in a society that is still scared of death and grief, it seems ironic when these experiences are so human and intrinsic to the human experience. Someone once said to experience true grief is to have known true love and I think there is much truth in this.
Lots of people, like me, who have experienced grief want the opportunity to talk about those they have loved who have died- it really does keep the memories alive. I love when I tell people my Mum died and instead of an awkward silence they say, tell me what she was like. As a society, we need to stop being afraid to ask this.
We need to do better, and we can, starting one person at a time."
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