How to manage milestones in grief
Milestones are moments or days in your life that mark something important to you, and following the death of someone significant, these times can sometimes bring upon us another wave of grief.
Milestones are moments or days in your life that mark something important to you, and following the death of someone significant, these times can sometimes bring upon us another wave of grief. Different things are important to different people, so everyone has their own ideas about which milestones matter the most to them.
Common milestones, especially in the first few years of grief, could be birthdays, anniversaries, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, Christmas, Eid, or other regular celebrations. You are adjusting to life without the person who died, and your grief might feel bigger before or around these days, possibly for the first time, without your person. Realising it has been a year or a number of years since your person died can also be a tough milestone.
Other important days might not come around every year, but are more related to your personal path in life. For example: competitions, exam results, learning to drive, moving house, new loves, or new jobs. As you achieve your own goals and celebrate your successes, you may feel the sting of grief unexpectedly or perhaps anticipate it for your future. Sometimes you might not even notice a milestone until it’s already gone by, and not all of them will affect you the same way.
It’s up to you how you approach the days that could be challenging, but here are a few thoughts and suggestions on how to navigate your grief in the lead-up or on the day of a milestone:
It can help to be aware of which upcoming milestones might trigger your grief so that you can be prepared to take care of yourself when the time comes. Sometimes you might expect things to be worse than they are, and other times you may get caught off guard. It’s also common to push through big celebrations with an adrenaline rush and not have time to process your grief until the next day or week.
It can be tempting to pretend that everything is ok, especially when you are worried about upsetting others or have that feeling that you “should be ok” by now. Grief really has no timeline and can naturally feel more intense at certain points in our lives, and acknowledging this is a good place to start. Pushing your feelings away can create a sense of loneliness, and although they might disappear for a while, they will likely resurface at some point.
If you feel able, try to talk to a few trusted people if you know that you are struggling in the lead-up to a milestone, or that you are expecting the day to be difficult. This way, they can be around to support you. It’s okay to let people know what you need. This might be celebrating vs. not celebrating in a certain way, or it might be organising a big gathering vs. having some time and space to yourself. The people who care about you can be a huge help at times like these, but only if you allow them to be.
Getting carried away in the happiness of a celebration or big life event might mean that you don’t think as much about the person who died as you used to. This can bring up feelings of guilt, but it’s important to know that it’s natural and healthy to take breaks from grieving, and it doesn’t mean that you have stopped caring that your person is gone.
Before you reach a milestone, you might want to consider how to include or remember the person who died. Some people find it helpful to be active in their grief by planting a tree, lighting a candle, visiting a place, donating to a charity, or engaging in religious activities. Doing, rather than thinking and feeling, can be a healing process for some.
Everyone deals with their grief in different ways, and you might feel that you don’t want to do anything at all to observe the birthday or anniversary of the person who died. This is not wrong and doesn’t mean they were not important to you. Take some pressure off yourself and do nothing if it feels right. It's your choice how you manage your grief and which, if any, milestones are important.
Grief and milestones are linked, and it’s natural to have thoughts of someone in your life who has died when a significant day comes around. If you can find a way to accept that your grief is a part of you, in time, you can also accept that it will be a part of those big days and moments.
Remember to take things at your own pace. Just because a milestone was difficult this year doesn’t mean it will be next year. Try to approach every day with compassion and patience for yourself, and allow yourself to still find joy in these milestones, however big or small they may feel.
Whether you’re struggling with your feelings, not sure how to express your thoughts or trying to find ways to remember your person who has died, we have lots of ideas to help.
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