Ways to cope with grief at university
Whether your special person died recently or not, coping with grief at university is tough. Bereavement specialists share advice to help you understand and cope with grief at university.
There’s never a good time to experience a bereavement, but it can be particularly difficult if you are going to or already at university. Whether your special person died recently or not, coping with grief at university is tough.
If you live on campus, you are away from home and your usual support networks. You have to adapt to living away from home, making new friends, and dealing with the pressure of exams and dissertations, all while grieving.
If you were bereaved when you were younger, milestones like going to university can trigger your grief. It’s a reminder that your special person isn’t there to see you get your results, get a place at university and help you move into student halls.
If you were bereaved when you were younger, milestones like going to university can trigger your grief. It’s a reminder that your important person isn’t there to see you get your results, get a place at university and help you move into student halls. This may be the first time that you are moving away from home and away from your family, trusted friends and support networks.
1. You are away from home (maybe for the first time)
If you live on campus, you might be away from home for the first time, and away from your family, trusted friends and support networks. You are no longer around the people who know you well, can spot when you’re struggling, and who would usually help you cope. This may feel overwhelming. It can help to find out who you can turn to for support. This may be an accommodation wellbeing advisor, the wellbeing team on campus, an academic tutor or a chaplaincy. Look on your university website or ask at a student information hub if you feel uncomfortable asking your course leader or tutor at this time.
Staying connected with home can help you feel less isolated because you can share your thoughts and feelings with the people you trust the most. This can help before you have made new, trusted relationships with other students. Your university may have a grief network, which may be a helpful way to connect with other students who have had a similar experience.
Keeping on top of practical tasks such as washing clothes, tidying, cleaning, making meals and managing your own schedule can feel really difficult for any young adult. When grief has depleted your energy, this can feel even harder. You may find using to-do lists, writing reminders, setting alarms, and using apps can help you with planning and organising. Why not try planning to meet someone before your classes and lectures to walk in together? This might help with your attendance and getting into university on time.
2. You are meeting lots of new people
Going to university, meeting lots of new people, and having to make new friends can be daunting, especially if you’re worried about having to tell people about your bereavement. You might not feel comfortable opening up to people you don’t know that well at first. Some people can be awkward when talking about death and not know what to say, but most people will want to support you. Ahead of time, try to think about what you might feel comfortable telling new people about your bereavement, and you may consider how you will answer personal questions and what information you may feel okay to share.
Depending on when the bereavement happened, this might be something that you have had to deal with before, or it may be the first time that you are having to navigate this for yourself. Be kind to yourself and try not to feel pressured to share details of your experience if you are uncomfortable.
3. You are dealing with academic pressure
You may find that at times your grief feels triggered, and this impacts your ability to focus on your studies. Even if the bereavement was a long time ago, you may be triggered at particular times of the year, by topics in the curriculum or from being around other bereavements.
University comes with academic pressures: exams, essays, dissertations, seminars, lectures and lots of deadlines. You might also find that you have to return home for a while or take some time out, and you might miss lectures and deadlines. It’s perfectly normal to struggle with your workload and feel overwhelmed, but it's helpful to find out what academic support is available and how to access it. Be realistic about what is achievable and try to be kind to yourself if your productivity is not the same as it was before your person died.
Writing down how you are feeling and how this is affecting you can help if you need to speak with someone to seek extensions, mitigating circumstances, or to have some time out. Taking a written record of notes might help when you are talking to them because grief may also affect your ability to communicate and express your feelings honestly. If your bereavement was a long time ago, you may be aware of points in the year and dates where your grief may feel more difficult - it can help to make academic professionals aware of this in advance.
You may feel pressure to engage with a full social life at university, and it's okay if you don't have the energy. Sometimes spending time with others and having fun can be a distraction from grief, provided this is done whilst avoiding using alcohol or drugs as coping mechanisms. Give yourself permission to say no to social demands, and sometimes a night in for some self-care may be how you would prefer to spend your free time. Grief can feel like an isolating experience and one that makes us feel different to others. Check in with yourself to assess how connected you feel to others around you and reach out for support if you are struggling.
The bereavement may have been expected, like an illness, or unexpected, like a sudden or accidental death. Regardless, it is important to share the news with someone you trust. Talking to your university will enable you to find out what help is available for your well-being and your academic studies, and to understand what processes you will need to follow. The university will also be able to help you consider your options for continuing with your course or taking some time out. Remember, there is no right or wrong way to handle grief, and the decisions you make will be unique to you.
Grief can affect your ability to study. You might find it hard to focus or keep up with studies the way you have before. You might find it hard to motivate yourself, and studying might seem trivial after experiencing a bereavement. You may also notice changes in your sleep shortly after being bereaved, or maybe not until months later. Tiredness and changes in your routine can also impact your studies.
Grief can be triggered by anniversaries, special times of the year, and by other losses, even if these are not directly connected to your own. If you can, try to let academic staff know about any changes you are dealing with so you can find out about processes for extensions, mitigating circumstances, or possibly having some time out.
Talk about it
Although it can be scary to talk about your emotions, bottling up your feelings can make them feel unmanageable. Find someone you can talk to at university. It could be a friend, a housemate, a tutor, a counsellor or a mentor.
Try to keep in touch regularly with friends and family back home. Maybe you could plan a phone call, video call, visit back home, or they could come and visit you at university.
Find ways to express and cope with your feelings
There is no right or wrong way to feel and those who are grieving can feel all kinds of emotions – sad, angry, confused, worried, numb and many others. You might also experience difficulties sleeping and changes to your eating habits.
Find a way to let out your feelings. You could write them down in a journal or draw them in a sketchbook. You could do exercise or talk to someone. Maybe, play or listen to music or watch a film or TV show and have a good cry or laugh. Whatever works for you.
Ask for help from your tutors
Your tutors want you to do well at university and they will be able to help you. Speak to them about your situation, let them know if you need to miss things to go home or are struggling to keep up with your studies.
They can help you to catch up with missed lectures or seminars, give you extensions on deadlines and help you manage your workload if you are struggling. If you need to, you can defer your studies for a while, and your tutor can help you with the paperwork. Don’t feel ashamed or embarrassed to ask for help.
Look after yourself
Remember to look after yourself and practise self-care. This could be doing exercise, socialising with friends, eating healthily, taking regular breaks from studying or calling your family back home. If you are struggling, then take some time out or defer a year. This doesn’t mean you’ve failed, instead that you’re acknowledging that you may perform better if you take a break.
There’s nothing wrong with having fun when you’ve been bereaved, you don’t have to be sad all the time. So, if you want to, go out and have fun, join a club or society, try a new sport or activity. However, don’t be afraid to say no. Don’t feel compelled to go out or do things if you would prefer not to.
Try not to be hard on yourself. University is tough enough, let alone if you have been bereaved – you are doing amazingly!
Seek professional help
Your university will also have professionals you can talk to. Depending on your university, this could be a student welfare or wellbeing services team or a mental health advisor. Also, look out for peer-to-peer support groups at your university. You can also find bereavement support for young people up to the age of 25 who are grieving. See how to contact us below.
If you need to talk, we’re here to listen. Our bereavement specialists are available to speak with right away. No appointments or waiting lists, just real-life support. You can chat with us anonymously if you wish and share whatever you are feeling. Nothing about your grief is off limits. We promise to listen, not judge and can offer advice and guidance if needed. You can speak to us as little or as often as you want. Start a conversation now. You can speak with us between 8am and 8pm, Monday to Friday (except bank holidays). You must be 13 or older to receive support via WhatsApp.
Click the blue 'chat with us' button at the bottom right of your screen between 8am-8pm, Monday to Friday.
Call us for free on 08088 020 021 between 8am-8pm, Monday to Friday.
Text or WhatsApp us on 07418 341 800 between 8am-8pm, Monday to Friday.
For urgent support, please call 999.
If you need to speak to us in a language other than English, we can use interpreters over the phone, and we can use the Relay UK app if you have hearing or speech difficulties.
Whether your special person died recently or not, coping with grief at university is tough. Bereavement specialists share advice to help you understand and cope with grief at university.
